PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
