I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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