I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
