i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
