The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
