were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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