I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
