Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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