Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
