I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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