EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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