apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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