he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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