I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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