That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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