My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
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