I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
