Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
