but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
