Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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