I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
