Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
