paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
