im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
