Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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