I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Pants are for mortals
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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