i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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