My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
