I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
