At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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