i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
