If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
