either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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