My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
