sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Everyone says I win the strip club
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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