I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
