I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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