When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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