My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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