so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
