Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
