Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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