just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
