plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
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