I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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