I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
My vagina just recognized that song.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
