You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
