Already got asked if we're dating
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
