She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize