So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
