Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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