did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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