she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
