How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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