I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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