What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
