I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
