I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
