if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I love black thongs
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
