I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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